Touring Tips, Gatorade and Push Ups

I have decided to take notes while on the road, in hopes of better improving the lives of those who will follow the path behind me. These are not tips that will alter the sense of your existence, rather they will simply make 6 weeks in a touring van a little more enjoyable. Here are the first of many tips.

Tour Tip #1 Robert's Western World, Nashville TN, has the best GRILLED CHEESE in North America. Grilled cheese, fries and a PBR for $5

Touring Tip# 2 Don't urinate in Idaho behind a dingy rock club when you are ill- The man will charge you and ticket your van :( NOT COOL

Touring Tip #3 PBR and Labatt 50 are safe bets, always mediocre at best

Touring Tip #4 Tour on a bicycle, or if you don't have a bicycle, tour in a van. I may be biased, but entertainer coaches are very expensive and produce a lot of emissions. A van is more economical (half the cost), produces less pollution, and is way more ROCK N ROLL.

Touring Tip#5 Salt Lake City has the most amazing burritos for $4 at these mexican food carts. However, not a good idea to eat one before a seven hour drive to Las Vegas.


Touring Tip#6 DiRienzo's Deli,(11 Beech St. Ottawa, ON, T: 613-729-4037 ) Ottawa makes the most delicious and cheapest ($5) sandwich out there. This is a mouth watering 8", cheese filled Italian crusty bun with fresh vegetables and veggie antipasto. Of course a variety of cold cuts including "spicy meats" are available for my meatetarian friends. My advice-buy TWO, one for after the gig.

Tip #7 Hire a booking agent that owns and can read a MAP! This may seem like a simple and obvious concept but there are a number of agents that do not consider that the artist must perform after spending 15 hours in a van. Try to keep drives on show days to a max of 8 hours. Let's keep everyone happy.

Touring Tip #8 Pee when the van is stopped to fuel up, NOT ten minutes later on the Trans-Canada where the closets thing to a rest stop is pile of fresh cut hay, piled 3 ft high.

Touring Tip #9 Don't loose your van and trailer keys into the bowl of an industrial powered toilet- they will be sucked away like your charisma and sole, not to mention the obvious delays and complications of getting to the next gig.

Touring Tip # 10 To all of the coffee lovers on the road- visit "Seattle Coffee Works" in Seattle, buy a travel mug/press and some ground beans for the road. Excellent coffee that is leagues ahead of the dirty dish water you will find on the American interstate system. If you take milk in your coffee, you may also need that.


Touring Tip #11 The best way to survive on a $15/day per diem is to drink at "Alligator Lounge" (600 metropolitan ave
Brooklyn, NY 11211 (718) 599-4440),Brookly. $5 gets you a beverage of your choice and a made to order wood burning oven pizza. That's right every drink you buy,earns you a pizza. $15 = 3 beers and 3 pizzas. I am in love.


Touring Tip #12 When in need of a grilled cheese and cheap weapons go to "The Airline Snack Bar" on Hwy 9 in Beddington, Maine. This Friday you can buy a $5 raffle ticket for a chance to win a 50. Caliber Riffle with scope..WTF America


Touring Tip #13 Always triple check to make sure that the trailer and van door is shut before driving, otherwise you may be donating your spare tire to the homeless people of Winnipeg.

Touring Tip # 14 Remember how many people you are touring with. A head count in the van works better than asking "Is Everyone here". Without fail someone will say yes. Sorry Steve..

Touring Tip #15 Eat at "Mary's Secret Garden" (100 South Fir Street, Ventura, CA). It's a refreshing taste from the "Love's" Truck stop.

Touring Tip #16 Don't hump a slot machine in a casino. Not only will it not return the favour, you will certainly get you evicted with some authority.


Touring Tip #17 In order to leave a trail of stomach extract in linear from all the way from the dressing room to the stage(100ft) with a few good chunks along the way all minutes before delivering a spectacular performance, one must induce several beers( 10+), whiskey, wine and anything else you can physically stomach-less than 8 hours prior. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME- WE ARE PROFESSIONALS

Touring Tip # 18 Tour in a van not a bicycle- otherwise, it may end up looking like this after you were hit by a taxi cab- Apparently cab fare is more important than human life in Toronto

Touring Tip #19 Melts Bar and Grilled, Cleveland, OH is by far the best grilled cheesery in North America-Try the Parma Purple,Veg or Vegan

Touring Tip #20 For the largest collection of "Dustin Hoffman" drinks, go to Main Street Liquors & Bar in South Bound Brook, NJ- I don't think these bottles have been dusted in years.

Touring Tip #21 When playing Philadelphia, do not stay in the hourly motels in Cherry Hill, NJ. You are better off sleeping in the van in the Old City- The homeless people are very friendly

Touring Tip #22 Being humble and polite keeps you from being left at a Motel 6 in Reno or locked in the trailer while on tour.


Touring Tip # 23 Sleeping in a park in Winnipeg is a good idea when you are a squirrel not a human with a **** Hotel awaiting you.

Touring Tip # 24 Keep the pockets of your pants, in your pants while meeting fans- otherwise the romance of rock n' roll is lost- what fun would that be?

Stay tuned for further tips!

JK@ Dunce Cap